Three Steps Forward Two Steps Back

The anxiety dance goes three steps forward and two steps back. I feel like I am moving straight into freedom and then this learning experience moves me backwards into fear again.

The discouragement hits me like a physical blow, right to the chest making me cry in despair. I lose track of the things I have learned and crumble into a weak heap of trembling frailty. Where did my courage go, where is my determination? Did I learn anything over the past few months? I feel like giving up. It seems I can never defeat this thing that prevents me from doing what I love.

Oh, I feel I have tried so hard and come so far. Only a few days ago I could see the distance I had come and was proud of my new found confidence and growing bravery. But all that was blown away in a heartbeat. One lapse of judgement, one tangled set of emotions and all my progress has disappeared. Or seems to have anyway.

I tried so hard and I wanted it so much and now it is all slipping through my fingers. The illusion that I could change myself, that I could be different. I feel like such a failure. I cry and cry, so sad for myself, so completely in despair. Hopeless.

People who are kind see me fall. They help me up and tell me things will be ok - it happens to everyone. Don't worry, its all part of the learning and healing process. You'll see the sun will rise again in the morning and there will be a time where you will find messages and strength and learning. These backward steps are also part of the learning and will teach you something important you need to know.

I cannot see this now, but I hear what they say and I am holding these words tight against my heart.
Love you all

Worry, Fear and Panic - Stop Avoiding the Things You Love

Part of the reason that I am anxious socially is that I feel as though I have nothing to share with others, because I avoid so many situations I basically don't do much of anything these days.

I am reading about how to change that and let go of my fears and anxieties so that I can actually do something with my life. I am now realizing that I need to do those things anyway - you know the saying (and book title) "feel the fear and do it anyway"?

I cannot just wait until I feel no fear to go ahead and try something. Fear and anxiety are part of everyone's lives. I just need to push up against anxiety and not let it control me.

The following quote is from Women Who Worry Too Much, by Holly Hazlett-Stevens, PhD.
I have found it to be very motivational and want to share it with you too.

If you avoid certain situations because you’re worried about the outcome, you never get to learn what would have happened if you had faced thosesituations. You deprive yourself of the chance to see how you would have coped.

When you decide to avoid, you experience a temporary state of relief, but you’re also left feeling powerless and deflated, as if you can’t control your own behavior. Eventually you become discouraged and disheartened as a vague sense of feeling paralyzed sets in.

This is how avoidance slowly eats away your self-confidence over time. Push yourself to feel vulnerable – this allows you to learn that you can handle whatever happens, and that even the most difficult of emotions can’t destroy you.

We’re all capable of feeling intense fear so we can escape life-threatening situations. But usually people avoid things that simply make them feel uncomfortable.

I will be putting this up on my fridge where I can see it everyday :)

Horses and Emotional Control of Anxiety

One thing I am working on in managing my anxiety levels is to try to replicate the methods I use in riding and training my horse.

Horses are amazingly sensitive creatures with a well developed prey instinct. They have an acute awareness of all that is happening around them. This is by necessity of course as they need to be ready to spring into action if a predator is nearby.

(photo credit Adrian Parnham)

If they are startled by a plastic bag blowing in the wind, or a noise in the bushes I want them to be aware of that event but to HOLD OFF on their behavioral reaction, and wait for direction from me.

If my horse's normal reaction would be to spin or bolt or rear at the sight of a scary object, I need them to stay put and wait to hear from me what I want them to do.

This requires significant emotional control over their anxious feelings. They need to learn a new way to react to an alarming stimulus. And part of training and riding a horse is to help them to learn emotional control.

These same principles apply to humans with a tendency towards panic attacks, anxiety attacks or overwhelming anxious feelings.

As one of these people, my goal for myself is to also acheive the same expectation I have for my horses - that of emotional control.

I do not need to be simply reacting to every stimilus in my environment. I can also take control of my fearful thinking, my skyrocketing emotions and channel my behavior in another direction.

Oh my gosh, this is so much easier to say than to actually do!

Anxiety Attacks Symptoms

Anxiety attacks symptoms can vary from person to person but I have listed the most common ones below:

• speeding heartbeat


• breathing too fast


• feeling sick to your stomach


• shaking or trembling


• pale face OR blushing


• racing thoughts

Many people also report having thoughts of catastrophe or even a suddenly blank mind.

Having an anxiety attack is something that can come on when you are in a situation where you feel unsure about what to do , or in a situation where you have previously had a traumatic experience.

My own anxiety attacks symptoms most noticeably involve my chest and abdominal region. I can feel my chest tighten and sometimes even experience mild chest pain.

The most pervasive sign of an anxiety attack for me is this feeling of cold dread deep in my stomach. And then my legs and arms start to shake. My legs will feel rubbery and cold and although they are perfectly functional they feel like I can't move them correctly.

Noticing anxiety attacks symptoms seems to make them worse, it is as though I am worried about something, then I start to feel worried about how anxious I am getting!

Actually even writing about it isn't so great!

Got to go -- talk to you later!

My Side Of Paradise

I have always had a love for horses. A connection, an awe, an intense wonder.

I love to just sit and watch them in the pasture grazing and swishing their tails. I love the sound of their hooves pounding on the grass as they run and buck as a storm rolls in.

The way they interact with each other, their intelligence, and the unique character each one has.

The curve of their necks and the set of their clean jawlines, flowing manes and flaring nostrils, and beautiful deep eyes.

But they are also bold, and strong, and spirited and sometimes easily frightened.

Many people say that horses are adept at mirroring who we are and how we are feeling at a particular moment. I am finding that I am learning to use this as a means of understanding my own fears and anxiety.

These beautiful creatures are helping me to gain emotional control and to confront and work through my fears, anxiety and panic.

Social Phobia and Parties

Another party disaster.

My friend Jana had a house warming party at her place.

There were a few people I recognized. I thought I would be ok to talk and enjoy myself.

I deliberately came late thinking that I wouldn't be anxious about people looking at me when I came in the room if the party was already in full swing.

Coming in the door, Jana and her husband welcomed me and offered me a gin and tonic, showed me where the food was and said they were so happy to see me.

"How are things going with you? " Jana asked.

"Oh great!" I said smiling. "I love your new house!" I replied smiling.

"Thanks very much" said Jana "We are enjoying it"

"Yes it's such a nice neighborhood - you must be very happy here" (me)

Then as this conversation dwindled the doorbell rang again and Jana had to leave to greet new guests.

Anxiety Takes Over

I was suddenly alone and vulnerable - standing there clutching my drink.

Sipping, glancing around, sipping, glancing around, smile at no one in particular. Sip. Sip.

Deep inside I start to panic. I just got here. I have no one to talk to. I can't leave yet and this party is going to be going on for the rest of the evening.

Ideas flood my head:

• I could suddenly leave saying I had just been struck with an intense migraine headache.
• I could excuse myself saying that I had just gotten an emergency call on my cell that my elderly mother was in the hospital.
• I could go to the washroom for a few minutes to check my hair and makeup and hope things will change when I come out.
• I could go to the food table and try to mingle with anyone else who is there.

I decided on the last option. It was more "normal" and at least it bought me a little time.

I walk slowly to the food table with what I hope is a friendly, relaxed, casual, interesting and very friendly look on my face.

I take a plate, and chat with the person next to me "Wow doesn't this look good?" (me) "Yes she's such a good cook isn't she? (them)

Then I remember something I think people suggest you say at parties where you don't know anyone.

"And how do you know Jana?"

"I'm her sister" she replies.

"Oh wow , nice, very nice to meet you"

"Yes you too" She smiles kindly and excuses herself and moves away to carry food plates back to her husband.

I am alone again. My heart is racing, I feel like I might pass out, I need to calm down and relax. Social anxiety has it's ice cold grip on me.

The room seems to be filled with people laughing, singing, talking and having fun. They all seem to know each other.

A roar of laughter erupts across the room. These people were having a fun time they would be talking about for days.

Why can't I be like that?

I have issues with social anxiety.

Gotta get this cured.

Horses, Riding and Anxiety

Horses have always been a part of my life.

I used to ride bareback at a full gallop, wind blowing through my hair, energy surging through me, free and brave! Riding was something that relaxed me.



Now things are different. Its too windy to ride. I feel a migraine headache coming on. My horse seems a little hyper today. The arena is too crowded. I don't know anyone here.

Better not ride today. I will do it tomorrow.

I can make more excuses than the day is long. More promises to myself.

More letting myself down.

No more -- this has to end.

I will not let fear rule my life.

I will not let myself down.

It's A Beautiful World!

It's a beautiful world and I want to enjoy it again.

Somewhere in my life, I am not sure exactly when, I slipped off the pathway.

When I take inventory of my life these days I am horrified. Socially anxious, self conscious, easily intimidated with few "personal boundaries" I find myself withdrawing from most activities I used to enjoy and doing what seems safe and easy.

The trouble is the safe and easy route brings me no joy.

I can see I am becoming more isolated and tentative and controlled by anxiety.

I feel my life slipping by in a slew of excuses, rationalizations and timidity. I need to change. And now is the time to do it. I am hoping that this blog does not end up like one of those where the author stops after just a few posts. I want to win my life back again.

I am going to try new things, to research treatments and self help systems and read books and try everything and push myself to become adventurous and brave and to enjoy life again.

This blog is a journal of my travel to a new place in my life.

Please keep your fingers crossed for me!