My trainer is moving. So far away I will probably not see her again for a long time, if ever.
She is a person I admire and have often wished I was more like. In fact, I have often thought I could probably get rid of all my fear and anxiety problems just by trying to become her.
She has been my lifeline. She has mentally held my hand as I worked through my nervousness about riding. She has listened to all my excuses and helped me to move beyond them. All without judgement.
She has seen me through times where I have been so afraid that I am so embarrassed now to even admit it.
Too afraid to catch a horse, too afraid to lead it over icy surfaces, too afraid to approach when it is windy and they are all running and spooky.
Afraid to walk behind horses tied to be groomed. Couldn't ride in the arena alone - even at a walk. Scared to ride when there were too many horse in the arena. Panic about the idea of loping. Terrified to go faster.
Yes, she has seen me through a lot. I think so many people would have just dumped me and passed me by. How boring to be working with someone who is so anxious about every little thing when you could be perfecting a reining pattern with your latest non-pro superstar.
Have you ever been to a riding lesson where you ride around in circles while your trainer has a coffee and chats with her friend, looking up occasionally to tell you to change directions, then again when its time to collect your money?
Not her. Ever.
She would watch my every move. Correcting what needed to be, and giving constant feedback and encouragement.
Some days I was so nervous before my lesson that I would need to walk or run for an hour before going to try to shake down my nerves. A couple times I swigged a quick glass of wine to quiet my anxiety. Many times I have been physically shaking on the drive over to the barn. Many times I just made up an excuse and cancelled the lesson. BTW I know how terrible this is :(
Most people would probably tell me - hey this horseback riding is not the thing for you! If you are that scared just move on to something else. Go play golf, try hiking, learn to play cards.
But I love to ride and I used to be able to ride and I desperately want to ride again.
She is the one who has been with me and helped me progress for the past couple of years (yes it has been years now). I am not sure what I am going to do without her.
But I am sensing that I need to move on and see if I can ride myself. I need to take all I have learned from her and apply that on my own. Reach somewhere within myself for the bravery to do it myself.
