Conversation Starters For The Socially Anxious

I received a great deal of help with ideas for how a person with social anxiety can start and maintain conversations at parties for instance.

Here are some of the conversation starter tips I received. They are good - these may come in handy.

Start with :
Hi, I’m Lauren, nice to meet you.

Then follow up with any of these:

How was your day?
What funny weather we’ve been having.
What do you think about (Mention an recent newsworthy trend or topic in the news) (not political or religious please)
Do you know many people here?
Have you been here before?
Did you have to travel far?
Where do you work? How long have you worked there?

Keeping the conversation going after that with topics like these:

What TV shows are you into watching?
Seen any great movies lately?
Read any great books lately?
What’s your favourite hobby?
What type of music do you like?
How do you typically enjoy the weekends?
What sports do you play or follow?
I like your tie/dress/jacket/handbag or other item

It is of course helpful to share about your self as well on any of the above topics. Share your favorite movie or your view on a recent news item, or a hobby you love. You don't want to hold a one way interview!

Further getting to know you questions can include:

What reality show would you go on and why?
Have you travelled much? Which country would you like to visit?
If you could pick any 5 famous people to attend a dinner party you would host who would you pick?
If your life was made into a movie, what would it be called?
If you decided to author a book, what would you write about?
If you were in charge of the world what are the 3 changes you would make?
Who is the most famous person you have met?
What’s the one movie you could watch again and again?
What is your favorite thing to have for breakfast?
What was your first job, and what was it like?
Are you a cat person or a dog person?

Other ideas to follow with after you have been in conversation and there is an uncomfortable lull or silence.

Acknowledge the silence and feeling of awkwardness - "wow I feel really awkward meeting new people and find myself not knowing what to say" (this can endear you to people by being so honest and vulnerable and may start a sharing on the other person part too)

Also see these great tips

More to come...

How To Become An Exciting Person - Part 2

I have been doing a little research on this topic since I last posted, searching the internet for ideas, asking regular people for their opinions and seeking out expert scientific studies.

I have found so much information that I will need to write not just this "part 2" but also several more sequels to the whole story! This is good news for those of us who are socially phobia, insecure, or feeling just plain boring!

A great place to start was in defining the goal -- what exactly is an exciting person?

Here is a summary of what I found.

An exciting person:

• is someone who is not just enjoyable to be around but someone you really look forward to seeing


• always has something interesting to talk about


• whatever they talk about they seem to do with passion


• always seems to have many things on the go in their lives


• is confident


• is interested in you too!


• draws you into their feelings of excitement


• is adventurous


• has stories to tell that are captivating


• has a passion for something


• sometimes has a great sense of humor


• initiates activities and get others interested in joining in


• is bold and not afraid to express their opinion


• is unique


• is proud of themselves but also vulnerable


• connects with others


• is someone you wish you could be like


• always has something to say that isn't boring and listens too


• has lots of friends


• spends time doing things with others


• doesn't seem to worry too much about what others think


• knows everyone around them either loves them or will once they get to know them


• inspires others


• some who lights up the room when they enter


• is happy


• is optimistic


• the party doesn't start until they arrive

These came from a wide variety of sources, but together they paint quite a picture. It also shows I have a long way to go. But at least I know where I want to be.

And yes all you exciting people who happen to be reading this list and cringing - I do know that just by the fact that I am making this list and am so pitiful for actually having to make this list that I have excluded myself from the realms of the exciting -- but not for long -- just wait! LOL

Worry, Fear and Panic - Stop Avoiding the Things You Love

Part of the reason that I am anxious socially is that I feel as though I have nothing to share with others, because I avoid so many situations I basically don't do much of anything these days.

I am reading about how to change that and let go of my fears and anxieties so that I can actually do something with my life. I am now realizing that I need to do those things anyway - you know the saying (and book title) "feel the fear and do it anyway"?

I cannot just wait until I feel no fear to go ahead and try something. Fear and anxiety are part of everyone's lives. I just need to push up against anxiety and not let it control me.

The following quote is from Women Who Worry Too Much, by Holly Hazlett-Stevens, PhD.
I have found it to be very motivational and want to share it with you too.

If you avoid certain situations because you’re worried about the outcome, you never get to learn what would have happened if you had faced thosesituations. You deprive yourself of the chance to see how you would have coped.

When you decide to avoid, you experience a temporary state of relief, but you’re also left feeling powerless and deflated, as if you can’t control your own behavior. Eventually you become discouraged and disheartened as a vague sense of feeling paralyzed sets in.

This is how avoidance slowly eats away your self-confidence over time. Push yourself to feel vulnerable – this allows you to learn that you can handle whatever happens, and that even the most difficult of emotions can’t destroy you.

We’re all capable of feeling intense fear so we can escape life-threatening situations. But usually people avoid things that simply make them feel uncomfortable.

I will be putting this up on my fridge where I can see it everyday :)

Where is My "Stop Anxiety At the Party" Plan?

Yikes!

I have just realized that the party I mentioned getting so ultra confident for is coming up pretty quick! Remember how I want to go and not be plagued by anxiety constantly like I usually am?

I am not anywhere near prepared!

I have got to get into high gear with great conversation topics and strategies and ways to relax and BE ME while I am at the party.

This is time to research and get advice.

I will post everything I find out here --- everything I am able to find out from popular party divas and hostesses and from plain old research.

Please send me advice.

How do you stay relaxed in social settings, how to you speak to others so that you hold their attention, how do I meet new people with ease and not go into complete panic if I have no one to talk to for a few minutes....

How To Become An Exciting Person! (Part 1)

You may remember that I have a party coming up, and am scared pantless about it!

I really want to enjoy myself so I am trying to get a bunch of strategies together to help me fight my anxiety - in this case I think it's called social anxiety.

I was sitting at the kitchen table mulling over my pathetic life and realized that one of the big reasons I am afraid of this party is that I AM BORING !

And if you have social anxiety issues I bet you are boring too!


Why We Are Boring

Mind Too Busy With Negative Thoughts

If you are like me when you enter a new social situation your whole mind is constantly wrapped around thoughts like:

• "I feel really uncomfortable here"


• "I bet no one will like me here"


• "Why am I so weird?"


• "I will probably start blushing or stuttering"


• "He hates me"


• "I am not as good as these people"

We are so "busy" inside mentally that there is very little room left for interacting with others.

In fact there is very little room left to even think about what to say to this other person.

This causes us to be at a lack for words - which equals boring!


Not Connected

People like people who are interested in them!

If I am worried about what people will think of me or what I should say next or how they might be judging me or how unattractive or unlikable I must be I am not really in tune with the other person at all.

When our heads are filled with negative nonsense about ourselves we are focused on OURSELVES - not on getting to know others - which also equals boring!


Worried About What Others Will Think

The negative thoughts keep me from taking a chance. I am worried this person will dislike me because I am blushing, or because I like knitting, or libraries or because I am afraid to do normal things.

I tend to try to quickly figure out what this other person might like and say those things - or just agree with everything they say.

I can almost become a clone, an average with nothing that might cause others to disagree with me or to not like me - which also equals boring!



How To Become An Exciting Person

It's actually easy (to say anyway) !



As a starting point -- just reverse the above traits that make us BORING.


Start Thinking Positive Thoughts About Yourself

Be proud of who you are.

Tell yourself that everything about you (including how you blush or stutter or feel anxious) are all part of the wonderful bundle of uniqueness that is you!

I have a friend named Tomas who is the geekiest looking guy with a face and body that you can only call unique. His personality is way out there too - never holds a thing back and just blurts out the strangest comments.

All of the things about him make him who he is. Yes he could get plastic surgery on his large nose and tiny jaw to make him look more traditionally "manly". He could tone down his thoughts and filter most of the unusual stuff out. He could slouch his tall gangly frame and hide his thin biceps.

But if he did - what a huge loss to the world that would be! All of these qualities are part of what I find so endearing and special about Tomas. He wouldn't be as great as he is if he "fixed" or hid these aspects of his true self.

So if I am a bit anxious or nervous that is ok - right now that is part of who I am. Shy and nervous can be endearing. I am ok now while I am anxious and I will be ok if I become even more anxious or if I become more relaxed.

So there!


Connect With Others

Pretend you are a journalist and have the assignment of really getting to know this new person you are meeting. Your mission is to find out what is going on with them, what makes them tick.

It doesn't really matter if they "like" you or not. This is about connecting with and getting to know what makes this unique person who they are.



Stop Filtering Who You Are

Walk into that room like you own the place. You have a total right to be there. Be proud of yourself and show it in the way you hold your body as you walk, stand and talk.

Be who you are. So many people - especially those with social anxiety, filter their opinions and personality and thoughts until they become so watered down and so average and so in offensive that it is hard to tell who they are.

I am one of these people and I need to stop!

Are you guilty of this too?

The world needs you , and the world needs me! To be who we really are, to be unique, to contribute and to connect.

It' s really a big waste of the beauty of recombinant DNA for us all to be the same!



Let's you and me go get that world that needs us so badly!!!

(PS - I have begun to try out these tips at a recent gathering at a coffee shop - they work!)
(PS again - there is a Part 2 and 3 or more coming as well - stay tuned!)