My Trainer is Leaving

My trainer is moving. So far away I will probably not see her again for a long time, if ever.

She is a person I admire and have often wished I was more like. In fact, I have often thought I could probably get rid of all my fear and anxiety problems just by trying to become her.

She has been my lifeline. She has mentally held my hand as I worked through my nervousness about riding. She has listened to all my excuses and helped me to move beyond them. All without judgement.

She has seen me through times where I have been so afraid that I am so embarrassed now to even admit it.

Too afraid to catch a horse, too afraid to lead it over icy surfaces, too afraid to approach when it is windy and they are all running and spooky.

Afraid to walk behind horses tied to be groomed. Couldn't ride in the arena alone - even at a walk. Scared to ride when there were too many horse in the arena. Panic about the idea of loping. Terrified to go faster.

Yes, she has seen me through a lot. I think so many people would have just dumped me and passed me by. How boring to be working with someone who is so anxious about every little thing when you could be perfecting a reining pattern with your latest non-pro superstar.

Have you ever been to a riding lesson where you ride around in circles while your trainer has a coffee and chats with her friend, looking up occasionally to tell you to change directions, then again when its time to collect your money?

Not her. Ever.

She would watch my every move. Correcting what needed to be, and giving constant feedback and encouragement.

Some days I was so nervous before my lesson that I would need to walk or run for an hour before going to try to shake down my nerves. A couple times I swigged a quick glass of wine to quiet my anxiety. Many times I have been physically shaking on the drive over to the barn. Many times I just made up an excuse and cancelled the lesson. BTW I know how terrible this is :(

Most people would probably tell me - hey this horseback riding is not the thing for you! If you are that scared just move on to something else. Go play golf, try hiking, learn to play cards.

But I love to ride and I used to be able to ride and I desperately want to ride again.

She is the one who has been with me and helped me progress for the past couple of years (yes it has been years now). I am not sure what I am going to do without her.

But I am sensing that I need to move on and see if I can ride myself. I need to take all I have learned from her and apply that on my own. Reach somewhere within myself for the bravery to do it myself.

Horses and Emotional Control of Anxiety

One thing I am working on in managing my anxiety levels is to try to replicate the methods I use in riding and training my horse.

Horses are amazingly sensitive creatures with a well developed prey instinct. They have an acute awareness of all that is happening around them. This is by necessity of course as they need to be ready to spring into action if a predator is nearby.

(photo credit Adrian Parnham)

If they are startled by a plastic bag blowing in the wind, or a noise in the bushes I want them to be aware of that event but to HOLD OFF on their behavioral reaction, and wait for direction from me.

If my horse's normal reaction would be to spin or bolt or rear at the sight of a scary object, I need them to stay put and wait to hear from me what I want them to do.

This requires significant emotional control over their anxious feelings. They need to learn a new way to react to an alarming stimulus. And part of training and riding a horse is to help them to learn emotional control.

These same principles apply to humans with a tendency towards panic attacks, anxiety attacks or overwhelming anxious feelings.

As one of these people, my goal for myself is to also acheive the same expectation I have for my horses - that of emotional control.

I do not need to be simply reacting to every stimilus in my environment. I can also take control of my fearful thinking, my skyrocketing emotions and channel my behavior in another direction.

Oh my gosh, this is so much easier to say than to actually do!

My Side Of Paradise

I have always had a love for horses. A connection, an awe, an intense wonder.

I love to just sit and watch them in the pasture grazing and swishing their tails. I love the sound of their hooves pounding on the grass as they run and buck as a storm rolls in.

The way they interact with each other, their intelligence, and the unique character each one has.

The curve of their necks and the set of their clean jawlines, flowing manes and flaring nostrils, and beautiful deep eyes.

But they are also bold, and strong, and spirited and sometimes easily frightened.

Many people say that horses are adept at mirroring who we are and how we are feeling at a particular moment. I am finding that I am learning to use this as a means of understanding my own fears and anxiety.

These beautiful creatures are helping me to gain emotional control and to confront and work through my fears, anxiety and panic.

Horses, Riding and Anxiety

Horses have always been a part of my life.

I used to ride bareback at a full gallop, wind blowing through my hair, energy surging through me, free and brave! Riding was something that relaxed me.



Now things are different. Its too windy to ride. I feel a migraine headache coming on. My horse seems a little hyper today. The arena is too crowded. I don't know anyone here.

Better not ride today. I will do it tomorrow.

I can make more excuses than the day is long. More promises to myself.

More letting myself down.

No more -- this has to end.

I will not let fear rule my life.

I will not let myself down.