Fear Anger Panic and Rage - not the best day!

Some days are good days, some days feel really bad!

Today I am angry, anxious, fearful and panicky for no reason I am aware of.

I took a hot shower for a full 70 minutes in an attempt to blast out the anxiety and panic and rage that is exploding from me. It didn't work.

I am tired of losing good days to fear. I need some kind of help to get myself back. I don't want to waste my life afraid to do anything. Agoraphobia, panic attacks, anxiety - who needs them?

Now self disgust, guilt and saddness are waiting for me.

What is wrong with me I have to wonder. Why does this happen?


Sorry I don't want to bring others down - just venting I guess :(

How To Become An Exciting Person - Part 2

I have been doing a little research on this topic since I last posted, searching the internet for ideas, asking regular people for their opinions and seeking out expert scientific studies.

I have found so much information that I will need to write not just this "part 2" but also several more sequels to the whole story! This is good news for those of us who are socially phobia, insecure, or feeling just plain boring!

A great place to start was in defining the goal -- what exactly is an exciting person?

Here is a summary of what I found.

An exciting person:

• is someone who is not just enjoyable to be around but someone you really look forward to seeing


• always has something interesting to talk about


• whatever they talk about they seem to do with passion


• always seems to have many things on the go in their lives


• is confident


• is interested in you too!


• draws you into their feelings of excitement


• is adventurous


• has stories to tell that are captivating


• has a passion for something


• sometimes has a great sense of humor


• initiates activities and get others interested in joining in


• is bold and not afraid to express their opinion


• is unique


• is proud of themselves but also vulnerable


• connects with others


• is someone you wish you could be like


• always has something to say that isn't boring and listens too


• has lots of friends


• spends time doing things with others


• doesn't seem to worry too much about what others think


• knows everyone around them either loves them or will once they get to know them


• inspires others


• some who lights up the room when they enter


• is happy


• is optimistic


• the party doesn't start until they arrive

These came from a wide variety of sources, but together they paint quite a picture. It also shows I have a long way to go. But at least I know where I want to be.

And yes all you exciting people who happen to be reading this list and cringing - I do know that just by the fact that I am making this list and am so pitiful for actually having to make this list that I have excluded myself from the realms of the exciting -- but not for long -- just wait! LOL

Club for the socially anxious - one member!

I have been invited to a party!

Well, I really want to go. I really want to have fun but already I can feel my enemy closing in - those feelings of anxiety - chest tightening, my legs get shaky, my heart starts to beat harder, my mouth feels dry.

I know I will go but for once I would like to actually have a good time!

Here's what usually happens:

Preparation

• I go to the party with big hopes that things will be different this time.


• I spend ages on my clothing choices - getting it just right.


• I try to think of a few interesting things to say.


• I try not to feel worried or stressed or anxious.
  

At the Party

• I arrive and desperately look for anyone I know.


• Yes I am in luck. There they are - laughing and talking with a group of other people.

• I head straight for them hoping to be included in their conversation.


• I say hello and stand on the outside of their circle nodding and smiling, drink in hand.
  

• I have nothing to say.


• If some kind soul tries to include me I have very little of value to add - maybe a word or two.

• I am nervous, and self conscious of my face and my body.


• When I smile my lips stick to my teeth.
  


• When I speak my voice kind of chokes.

• I stand on the outside trying not to panic.

• It seems like I am alone even though I am in this big crowd.


• I feel so awkward I move away and hide in the washroom for as long as I can without looking weird.

Rinse and repeat!

Pretty pathetic isn't it?

Before this next party I am going to find out what I can do to help myself have a better time. Although I do love it just sipping chamomile tea isn't going to be enough to get me ready for this! - Yikes!

I've got to go looking for some big time anxiety busters for this one!

This is a big party and I have about a month to prepare.

I'll document the anxiety reducing strategies I find here on this blog and then report back to you on how I do at this next gala event.

I hope I can do better because I am really tiring of being permanently social anxious and awkward.

I desperately want to be one of those girls who has a fun fantastic fabulous time at a party!

Social Phobia and Parties

Another party disaster.

My friend Jana had a house warming party at her place.

There were a few people I recognized. I thought I would be ok to talk and enjoy myself.

I deliberately came late thinking that I wouldn't be anxious about people looking at me when I came in the room if the party was already in full swing.

Coming in the door, Jana and her husband welcomed me and offered me a gin and tonic, showed me where the food was and said they were so happy to see me.

"How are things going with you? " Jana asked.

"Oh great!" I said smiling. "I love your new house!" I replied smiling.

"Thanks very much" said Jana "We are enjoying it"

"Yes it's such a nice neighborhood - you must be very happy here" (me)

Then as this conversation dwindled the doorbell rang again and Jana had to leave to greet new guests.

Anxiety Takes Over

I was suddenly alone and vulnerable - standing there clutching my drink.

Sipping, glancing around, sipping, glancing around, smile at no one in particular. Sip. Sip.

Deep inside I start to panic. I just got here. I have no one to talk to. I can't leave yet and this party is going to be going on for the rest of the evening.

Ideas flood my head:

• I could suddenly leave saying I had just been struck with an intense migraine headache.
• I could excuse myself saying that I had just gotten an emergency call on my cell that my elderly mother was in the hospital.
• I could go to the washroom for a few minutes to check my hair and makeup and hope things will change when I come out.
• I could go to the food table and try to mingle with anyone else who is there.

I decided on the last option. It was more "normal" and at least it bought me a little time.

I walk slowly to the food table with what I hope is a friendly, relaxed, casual, interesting and very friendly look on my face.

I take a plate, and chat with the person next to me "Wow doesn't this look good?" (me) "Yes she's such a good cook isn't she? (them)

Then I remember something I think people suggest you say at parties where you don't know anyone.

"And how do you know Jana?"

"I'm her sister" she replies.

"Oh wow , nice, very nice to meet you"

"Yes you too" She smiles kindly and excuses herself and moves away to carry food plates back to her husband.

I am alone again. My heart is racing, I feel like I might pass out, I need to calm down and relax. Social anxiety has it's ice cold grip on me.

The room seems to be filled with people laughing, singing, talking and having fun. They all seem to know each other.

A roar of laughter erupts across the room. These people were having a fun time they would be talking about for days.

Why can't I be like that?

I have issues with social anxiety.

Gotta get this cured.