Worry, Fear and Panic - Stop Avoiding the Things You Love

Part of the reason that I am anxious socially is that I feel as though I have nothing to share with others, because I avoid so many situations I basically don't do much of anything these days.

I am reading about how to change that and let go of my fears and anxieties so that I can actually do something with my life. I am now realizing that I need to do those things anyway - you know the saying (and book title) "feel the fear and do it anyway"?

I cannot just wait until I feel no fear to go ahead and try something. Fear and anxiety are part of everyone's lives. I just need to push up against anxiety and not let it control me.

The following quote is from Women Who Worry Too Much, by Holly Hazlett-Stevens, PhD.
I have found it to be very motivational and want to share it with you too.

If you avoid certain situations because you’re worried about the outcome, you never get to learn what would have happened if you had faced thosesituations. You deprive yourself of the chance to see how you would have coped.

When you decide to avoid, you experience a temporary state of relief, but you’re also left feeling powerless and deflated, as if you can’t control your own behavior. Eventually you become discouraged and disheartened as a vague sense of feeling paralyzed sets in.

This is how avoidance slowly eats away your self-confidence over time. Push yourself to feel vulnerable – this allows you to learn that you can handle whatever happens, and that even the most difficult of emotions can’t destroy you.

We’re all capable of feeling intense fear so we can escape life-threatening situations. But usually people avoid things that simply make them feel uncomfortable.

I will be putting this up on my fridge where I can see it everyday :)

Where is My "Stop Anxiety At the Party" Plan?

Yikes!

I have just realized that the party I mentioned getting so ultra confident for is coming up pretty quick! Remember how I want to go and not be plagued by anxiety constantly like I usually am?

I am not anywhere near prepared!

I have got to get into high gear with great conversation topics and strategies and ways to relax and BE ME while I am at the party.

This is time to research and get advice.

I will post everything I find out here --- everything I am able to find out from popular party divas and hostesses and from plain old research.

Please send me advice.

How do you stay relaxed in social settings, how to you speak to others so that you hold their attention, how do I meet new people with ease and not go into complete panic if I have no one to talk to for a few minutes....

Club for the socially anxious - one member!

I have been invited to a party!

Well, I really want to go. I really want to have fun but already I can feel my enemy closing in - those feelings of anxiety - chest tightening, my legs get shaky, my heart starts to beat harder, my mouth feels dry.

I know I will go but for once I would like to actually have a good time!

Here's what usually happens:

Preparation

• I go to the party with big hopes that things will be different this time.


• I spend ages on my clothing choices - getting it just right.


• I try to think of a few interesting things to say.


• I try not to feel worried or stressed or anxious.
  

At the Party

• I arrive and desperately look for anyone I know.


• Yes I am in luck. There they are - laughing and talking with a group of other people.

• I head straight for them hoping to be included in their conversation.


• I say hello and stand on the outside of their circle nodding and smiling, drink in hand.
  

• I have nothing to say.


• If some kind soul tries to include me I have very little of value to add - maybe a word or two.

• I am nervous, and self conscious of my face and my body.


• When I smile my lips stick to my teeth.
  


• When I speak my voice kind of chokes.

• I stand on the outside trying not to panic.

• It seems like I am alone even though I am in this big crowd.


• I feel so awkward I move away and hide in the washroom for as long as I can without looking weird.

Rinse and repeat!

Pretty pathetic isn't it?

Before this next party I am going to find out what I can do to help myself have a better time. Although I do love it just sipping chamomile tea isn't going to be enough to get me ready for this! - Yikes!

I've got to go looking for some big time anxiety busters for this one!

This is a big party and I have about a month to prepare.

I'll document the anxiety reducing strategies I find here on this blog and then report back to you on how I do at this next gala event.

I hope I can do better because I am really tiring of being permanently social anxious and awkward.

I desperately want to be one of those girls who has a fun fantastic fabulous time at a party!

Social Anxiety and Facebook

I hate it when I get to comparing my life with the lives of others on Facebook!

Maybe it's just my social anxiety raising it's ugly head again but I sometimes get myself feeling like the whole thing is a popularity contest and I might be the loser!

I update my status and wait for someone to "like" it (and therefore me I guess).

I write something I think is totally brilliant - which gets no response - or maybe one or two likes - if I am lucky - only to find 20 or 30 likes on someone elses mundane ordinary status update.

I start to feeling sorry for myself - "What is wrong with me?" " Why do the things I say not seem to matter?"

Of course this isn't limited to Facebook. I find I am always looking for clues of approval from others - I really care what others think and am desperate for people to not just like me but really LOVE me - as in just can't get enough of me - hang on every word I say - always be the topic of fascination to others.

I have heard that one cure for social anxiety is to stop caring so much about what others think about you.

Caring so much about what others think is damaging because it stops me from being my true self. If everything I do is based on the level of acceptance I think I might receive from others, I end up modifying myself based on what others want or like.

Taken to the extreme, just think about what a loss this is - to give away my "true self" for smiles or "likes".

Of course some degree of behavior modification happens to everyone just because we humans are social beings. Some behaviors are not appropriate or are dangerous or damaging to others and people respond unfavorably - which usually stops the behavior.

But for someone who suffers from social anxiety this constant monitoring of others opinions becomes extreme and ineffective.

You know the saying "You can't please all of the people all of the time"?

I think that is precisely what I and other socially anxious people spend our precious days doing!

"Please like me!" is what my behavior constantly screams.

And this has the opposite effect from what I had intended.

Others view this desperation for attention, affection and caring as a sign that something is wrong. And withdraw from me. It's the desperation, the willingness to change my thoughts, opinions and personality based on what others think or like.

I need to get clear on who I really am and be that person - freely without worrying what others think or if they "like" me.

Social Phobia and Parties

Another party disaster.

My friend Jana had a house warming party at her place.

There were a few people I recognized. I thought I would be ok to talk and enjoy myself.

I deliberately came late thinking that I wouldn't be anxious about people looking at me when I came in the room if the party was already in full swing.

Coming in the door, Jana and her husband welcomed me and offered me a gin and tonic, showed me where the food was and said they were so happy to see me.

"How are things going with you? " Jana asked.

"Oh great!" I said smiling. "I love your new house!" I replied smiling.

"Thanks very much" said Jana "We are enjoying it"

"Yes it's such a nice neighborhood - you must be very happy here" (me)

Then as this conversation dwindled the doorbell rang again and Jana had to leave to greet new guests.

Anxiety Takes Over

I was suddenly alone and vulnerable - standing there clutching my drink.

Sipping, glancing around, sipping, glancing around, smile at no one in particular. Sip. Sip.

Deep inside I start to panic. I just got here. I have no one to talk to. I can't leave yet and this party is going to be going on for the rest of the evening.

Ideas flood my head:

• I could suddenly leave saying I had just been struck with an intense migraine headache.
• I could excuse myself saying that I had just gotten an emergency call on my cell that my elderly mother was in the hospital.
• I could go to the washroom for a few minutes to check my hair and makeup and hope things will change when I come out.
• I could go to the food table and try to mingle with anyone else who is there.

I decided on the last option. It was more "normal" and at least it bought me a little time.

I walk slowly to the food table with what I hope is a friendly, relaxed, casual, interesting and very friendly look on my face.

I take a plate, and chat with the person next to me "Wow doesn't this look good?" (me) "Yes she's such a good cook isn't she? (them)

Then I remember something I think people suggest you say at parties where you don't know anyone.

"And how do you know Jana?"

"I'm her sister" she replies.

"Oh wow , nice, very nice to meet you"

"Yes you too" She smiles kindly and excuses herself and moves away to carry food plates back to her husband.

I am alone again. My heart is racing, I feel like I might pass out, I need to calm down and relax. Social anxiety has it's ice cold grip on me.

The room seems to be filled with people laughing, singing, talking and having fun. They all seem to know each other.

A roar of laughter erupts across the room. These people were having a fun time they would be talking about for days.

Why can't I be like that?

I have issues with social anxiety.

Gotta get this cured.

It's A Beautiful World!

It's a beautiful world and I want to enjoy it again.

Somewhere in my life, I am not sure exactly when, I slipped off the pathway.

When I take inventory of my life these days I am horrified. Socially anxious, self conscious, easily intimidated with few "personal boundaries" I find myself withdrawing from most activities I used to enjoy and doing what seems safe and easy.

The trouble is the safe and easy route brings me no joy.

I can see I am becoming more isolated and tentative and controlled by anxiety.

I feel my life slipping by in a slew of excuses, rationalizations and timidity. I need to change. And now is the time to do it. I am hoping that this blog does not end up like one of those where the author stops after just a few posts. I want to win my life back again.

I am going to try new things, to research treatments and self help systems and read books and try everything and push myself to become adventurous and brave and to enjoy life again.

This blog is a journal of my travel to a new place in my life.

Please keep your fingers crossed for me!